I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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