I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
