Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
