you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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