Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
