and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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