I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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