What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
