wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
