like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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