i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I intend to get homeless drunk
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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