Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
