I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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