she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
