what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
