this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
where am i from again
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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