shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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