connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
