Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Randomize
