forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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