College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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