Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
