finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
