a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize