Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
