You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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