Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
