So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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