you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
