We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
