Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
