How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
