Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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