I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
