Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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