if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize