and she was petting her beer can
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
