my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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