I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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