I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
