I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize