he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize