You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize