There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
