she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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