I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize