The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
