If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
