So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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