Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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