I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
