I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
