i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
