Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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