just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
