Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
