remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
