Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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