I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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