Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
