Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
