as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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